The Back Porch

Warning: The following post is littered with swears, especially F-bombs.  If you find swearing offensive then I apologize (but you have been warned).  I try to refrain from swearing and using F-bombs in my posts (as much as I can, anyway…). However, I do feel I am not being my authentic- self when I edit my writing. Seeing as I am the sole inhabitant of my own mind (and this blog), I have decided to throw caution to the wind and just *be* [unedited] me in this particular post. Again: you have been warned.

Last night I realized I never blogged about my vacation staycation. Yah, that’s because it was a complete shit-show.  I had a whole list of projects I needed to tackle. Suffice it to say, I barely made a dent in said list.  The weekend commencing my vacation was fine. I did my usual chores and Monday (Labor Day) my friend Wheeza and I had dinner with a Harley Davidson riding couple (slash) friend (slash) co-worker in Providence, overlooking some glorious body of water (don’t ask me what body of water, Narragansett Bay? Fuck if I know).  It was a beautiful evening and a lot of fun.

Flash forward to Tuesday and Wednesday. For some reason I was trapped in a funk (possibly due to the gloomy rain) which caused  poor GiRRL_Earth to dive (and remain) under the covers for an extended periods of time, only escaping to use the bathroom and/or seek out something to drink – which was mainly coffee as that is the only substance that doesn’t give me the urge to hurl like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.  When the sun finally broke through the gloom, so too did my mood.   Finally, I began to tackle the looming To Do List.  I won’t bore you with all of my To Do List items; rather, I’ll focus on the one project that nearly sent me over the edge: The Back Porch.

Side Note:  I also have a front porch but I do not plan to tackle that Magilla-of-a-project until next year; especially after what I went through painting my smaller back porch. In fact, let me state for the record now:  before I can even consider the front porch painting project, I am going to need the following items: Valium (or the equivalent); large amounts of alcohol (Kettle One, Beer, Wine, all, one, I don’t care); A pallet of Starbucks Verona blend coffee and a personal masseuse. In that order, si’l vous plait. [Oh and have you ever noticed that when you mention painting to a group of friends they scatter like rats? Yah, that and moving are two surefire ways to scare off your friends for at least a week maybe even two.]

 The back porch:

Jesus! What an undertaking. First things first, I still hadn’t made up my mind about a color scheme. Part of me was leaning towards your typical Cape Cod colors: blue/white/seafoam green. The other part of me (the dark side) was thinking: go with colors no one would ever think to paint a porch.  While at Lowes, I combed through the excessive amounts of paint chip choices, which in itself is quite a task.  Guess which colors I finally decided on? Yep, you guessed it: colors no one would ever think to paint a porch (could this be residuals from the 2 days hiding under the covers?).  I chose 3 colors, all part of a color palette pamphlet/brochure, whatever, that you see scattered about the paint section. Rather than confuse you with the manufacturer’s names, I’ll give it to you straight. The colors I chose were: chocolate, opal and lilac (essentially anyway). [BTW reader, I can feel you cringing right now.] As I said, these colors were part of brochure.  So my thinking was: paint the walls chocolate, the trim opal and the door will be Lilac. Sounded pretty good in theory, until…

 Day 1:

I forgot to meniont that the GD porch required me to scrape and consequently sand the old paint. Fun! Not. Thankfully, there were only certain sections of the porch where the paint was actually peeling.  I then had to Spackle and of course caulk.  Next: the primer:  JeeeeeeeeeeZUS!  The GD porch required two, count ‘em TWO coats of primer. Well that wasn’t expected, planned or allotted for. It was then that I quickly remembered why I hate painting.  Next: the chocolate color.  [Before I forget, I should probably mention that my porch has a chair rail of some sort, which somehow escaped my little brain while in Lowes.]   I pour the chocolate paint into the roller pan (or whatever it is called) and holy sheeeeeeeee-ite! This is one dark mutha fucking color — now THAT was unexpected.  Well shit (!) now what I am I supposed to do? First random thought that ran through my head: How about adding some of the primer to the chocolate color to see if I will lighten it up (in a good way)?  What if I fuck it up? What if I ruin an entire can of paint?  I’m too old to be this adventurous. Next thought: Fuck it! I don’t have time to screw around.  Next dilemma: to cut in or to tape off? Which will take less time? And the winner is? Cutting in!  So on went the paint.  Oh my FUCKING God… this is one dark mutha fucking color! (Didn’t I just say that?)  Next thought: I cannot put this color over the entire wall, I just can’t. It will make my porch look like a cave.  Jesus! Now what? Decision: Only paint half way up, keep dark color under the chair rail. Fine. ‘Nuff said.  Three bloody coats later, the chocolate color is done and I am one pissed off, irritable, GiRRL-Earth because that took all freakin’ day! Clean up, prep for tomorrow, shower, PJs, protein drink, bed.

Day 2:

Wake up next morning and stare bleary-eyed at upper walls. Now what? Go to Lowes and pick out another color? Fuck no, I am in no mood for people.  Another option: root around in the basement to see if the professional painter I hired back in February (before I moved in) left anything viable.  Tromp down to basement. Score! A full can of leftover paint in Antique White.  Trudge back upstairs, shake can, feel a twinge in my back, pry off lid, stir and pour into roller pan.  FOUR FUCKING COATS later, 2nd color is on the upper walls and is done with a D!  Doesn’t look half bad but I’m not 100% smitten either.  So far porch project has turned into a complete buzz kill.  Thoughts at that moment: Whatever professional painters earn, it aint enough! Current mood: Maximum Irritation.

Next project: Paint the trim opal color.  Next dilemma: tape off or cut in? Frig it, cut in.  FIVE flipping coats later, trim is done. Irritation level: Code Red!  GiRRL_EARTH has a strong urge to go smash something.

Next on the list:

The door.  Thoughts running through my head: Don’t fuck this up Asnes; this is a brand new custom door that cost you a fucking kidney to pay for and an earful of complaints from the other Asnes to install.  Next thought: cut in or tape off? Definitely tape. This door was much too expensive to chance getting paint in places where there should not be any paint. Last color to be used: The Lilac.  Shake can. Open, stir and pour (sounds like a cocktail doesn’t it?). Response to color: Disappointment.  This is one light color for a supposed *complimentary color*.  Thoughts running through head: This isn’t going to have the impact I was hoping for.  Time on the clock: 8:00 PM.  NPR has been on for hours in the background and I have NO idea what the hell I’ve been listening to.  Could be subliminal messages for all I know (or care).  Coat #1. Reaction: Disappointment.  Coat #2. Meh. Coat #3. double Meh. At this point, I am so bleary-eyed and high on paint fumes that I decide the best course of action is to clean up for the night, shower, choke down a protein drink and fall into bed, face first.

Day 3:

Upon waking I realize I cannot feel my right arm. There are socks on my teeth and it feels like someone with stilettos has been walking up and down my back — and not in a good, Kinky Boots, S&M kind of way either.  I roll over and fall to the floor. Looking up I see the cats are staring down at me from the bed. I look up at them and say, “What?! Be thankful you’re a cat!”  Hoisting myself to an upright position, I walk (and moan) down the stairs, make my way to the bathroom, and then the kitchen, feed the cats, put on a pot of coffee, open the back door and stare… First thought that flashed through my head: if no one told me this color was lilac, I doubt I would even have noticed. At this point, I’m too tired to be angry. I slip into another pair of clothes I do not care about getting paint on and proceed to carefully paint more coats of lilac. Four or maybe five coats later (lost count). The door is finished. Step back. Assess. Reaction: indifference. [Sigh]

Oh and in case you are wondering about the ceiling. I left that primed as there was NO G.D. WAY I was going to paint that again after hitting it with three, I said THREE, coats of primer.

With the painting project complete, I proceeded to clean up.  I puttered around the house doing other chores while periodically going into the porch to assess the final results wondering if it will ever grow on me  like a mold spore.  Final answer: Not really.  Later in the day, I became inspired to decorate my newly painted porch in a Halloween Motif, off to the garage I go, to rummage through unpacked/unopened boxes.

And finally!

Below are some photos of my porch. I am sorry I do not have any before photos but trust me when I say, the porch was ugly as shit so there really wasn’t a need for a before photo, or so at least I thought anyway… looking back, I now wish I had taken a before photo so those of you reading this blog can appreciate my hard work, labor, sweat and tears (well maybe not tears but a whole lot of hissy-fits).

As for the rug you see in the photos. Well, guess what? The previous owners glued it to the porch floor. Yah, what were they thinking? Suffice it to say, there was no way in H-E-double hockey sticks(LL) I was going to tackle that nightmare. Besides the rug is in decent shape, winter will be here before we know it, so I might as well leave it.

So you see GE Followers, this is my painted porch decorated with a Halloween Motif (which would include the cushions on the chairs). As for those back pillows, well, I had found them while rummaging through unpacked boxes from my recent move. I was hoping the pillows would work with the newly painted décor but in the end I decided they do not.  I probably should have removed them before I snapped the photo.

Porch View 1

Oh and btw, I grew those mini pumpkins you see in 2nd Porch Photo. Yah that’s right, I’ve got a pumpking patch, thank you very much Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

🙂

What do you think of my witch? I love her. I bought her over 15 years ago… she’s a gem!

And finally, this is how I felt when I was finished with all of my staycation projects. (This is my cat: Mother Teresa):

Mother Teresa looking all forlorn

 Thanks for following GiRRL_EARTH.

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