My friend and blogger: BlueInThisLight said to me recently that I should blog more personal stuff. That’s not to say he doesn’t appreciate my stance on animal rights. Rather, he prefers it when I share personal details about my life, like my Ghetto Frosting post. He said this post is his favorite. So in honor of Blue’s suggestion, I am going to blog about something that occurred to me today, while chatting via email with my MGBFF Wheeza (that’s his nickname. He calls me Woozan, btw).
Why every girl needs a male gay best friend (in no particular order):
First and foremost, a MGBF will tell you if you look fat in that outfit. Girlfriends lie. Some say it’s to protect your feelings but I fully believe it is the underlying competition thing. Your female BF does not want you to look better than her – whether that is conscious or subconscious I cannot say for sure, so I’ll leave it up to all those learn-ed psychiatrists/psychologists to determine.
He will tell you if your new haircut rocks or screams June Cleaver (that’s Leave it to Beaver for all you youngin’s who have no fucking idea what I’m talking about).
He will keep you out of bad lighting and taffeta. (I just shivered typing this.)
He will tell you if in fact your ass is getting fat.
He will tell you if the guy you are dating is a closeted homosexual or worse yet a lying cheating womanizer.
He will tell you if a man across the bar is giving you the hairy eyeball or is giving HIM the hairy eyeball.
He will tell you if you have spinach in your teeth and a stalactite hanging out of your nose.
He will give you the latest gossip in Rona Barret fashion, including gossip about YOU. E.g., Who is sleeping with whom. Who is hung like Ron Jeremy (or not). And who suffers from ED (I’ll leave you to figure this one out).
He can tell you what the trendiest cocktail is, who makes it and where the best restaurants are located to meet men: gay or straight. Something for everyone, see?
He will tell you if he suspects your female BF is pining for your boyfriend or husband and to watch your back cuz she suffers from SPS (that’s Super Pussy Syndrome – meaning she believes her pussy is so alluring she can steal your man with it).
He will teach you how to give a proper blow job, especially if the dude is uncut.
You can watch gay porn together, although he will be the only one able to jerk-off.
He will teach you everything you ever wanted or needed to know about sex toys.
If the new guy you just started seeing insists on you giving him a blow job (before you’ve decided if you even like the guy), your MGBF will give you an artillery of excuses to give as to why you cannot.
He will patiently listen as you drone on and on about your recent breakup, all the while reminding you that you are, in fact, better-off without that rat-fuck-son-of-a-bitch!
If you happen to get into a confrontation with another woman, he will gladly cheer you on from the sidelines (don’t expect him to intervene, he doesn’t want to risk damage to his face).
If you happen to get into a confrontation with your Ex boyfriend, your MGBF will bitch slap him with some damning evidence you had forgotten but he remembered because gay men have minds like an elephant. They remember everything, especially if it is negative.
He will encourage you to make drunk dials and even participate in the shenanigans. LOL!
He will always be your consolation prize when and if you need a date to an event and best of all, he won’t become jealous if you pick up a man while he is with you, rather, he’ll ask you if the guy has a “gay brother, father or uncle”.
You can go on vacations together without worry that an argument may ensue. Plus, within the hour of the plane landing, he will have mapped out all the hot spots.
He will happily watch a “chick flick” with you and afterwards, the two of you can forever quote movie lines back and forth, especially if it relates to whatever is going on in your respective lives.
He will pick you up at the drop of a hat, and take you to the trendiest watering hole….just so he can lament about his annoying nosey neighbors or so you can bitch to him about your catty & sometimes back-stabbing girlfriends (or the latest annoyance your husband/boyfriend is causing you).
If you dare him to go on a boondoggle with you, he will without pause.
He will also happily accompany you while you do a *drive-by*.
If you MGBF can fix shit, you know, like shit around your house or your car, well then all the better!
And lastly, if your MGBF can cook as well as mix fancy cocktails. Well then honey, you have struck gold!
In closing ladies, if you do not have a Male, Gay, Best Friend, then I highly recommend you go out and find yourself one because mine has proven time and again to be a valuable necessity in my life.
[Please note: this post is Wheeza Approved]