The Other Woman(?)

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This morning while in the shower, I was ruminating about my blog and the personal information I shared.  I would like to say that normally I do not like to air my dirty laundry, and after doing so was a wee bit worried as to the type of feedback I would receive. To my surprise, all of the feedback was positive and it was interesting to hear your perspective and/or feelings on the matter.  I certainly didn’t expect to receive so many supportive comments on and off-line.  It would seem, when it comes to matters of the heart, we have all at one time or another *been there*.

Annnnnnnnyway, it occurred to me that we women have a tendency to lash out at other women, whether justified or not, especially if it pertains to a love triangle situation.  I’m not saying this is right or wrong, I’m just stating a fact – we seem to want to blame our own sex, rather than hold the opposite sex accountable.

For example, as previously mentioned, I believe back when my Ex-Husband (heretofore: ExH) and I first began to date,  he never *officially* ended his relationship with his previous girlfriend — let’s call her Mindy (btw, to avoid any confusion, they were never married. However, because I am now divorced from this man, I refer to him, in this post as the ExH).  When I met my now ExH, he told me he had just “…ended a seven-year relationship”.   Apparently, the reason their seven year relationship ended is because Mindy had asked him to move out while she was leaving for a trip to Egypt.  The ExH obliged and moved out (natch!).  Evidently, because Mindy had asked the ExH to move out, he in turn interpreted “I want you to move out” as “I’m giving you your walking papers”.  I do not believe that was Mindy’s intent. I believe this was her passive-aggressive way of making him shit or get off the pot.  Then again, maybe she wanted to break up. Who knows. Either way, the ExH took that to mean he is a free man.  According to the ExH, he and I didn’t start to date until maybe a month or two +/- after he and Mindy broke up.  So how did we meet? He and I met in a Continuing-Ed class.

Like the ExH, I too had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship (and was not looking to date anyone).   I will say, the ExH was pretty persistent and did not take *no* for an answer.  We began to date and the ExH proceeds to tell me about how Mindy cheated on him (allegedly) with some guy he called “The Ricker” as well as some guy she worked named Mickey and this was the reason why, after seven long years together, he never married her.  I mean, one would think that after seven years, a marriage proposal would have ensued.  Right? Like the gullible fool that I was, I took the ExH’s word because why would he lie to me????

Not long after ExH and I were dating, Mindy tried everything in her power to break us up (without she or I understanding that some men love to create a triangulation situation). The Coup de Grace was when Mindy took an email I had sent her and mailed copies to everyone in his family.  I believe Mindy’s intent was to expose me as the anti-Christ.   During that time, the ExH was seeing a therapist named Lance.  He told Lance what had happened and Lance told him, “…if she was the nicest person in the world she wouldn’t have done that. Can’t you see she’s trying to break you two up? Nice people do not behave that way.”  The ExH had to hear that statement from Lance in order to understand that I wasn’t the bad guy in this triangulation scenario.  Yes I was wrong for sending that email. I was trying to control a situation that was untenable. It wasn’t my responsibility to do so, it was the ExH’s. He should have taken the bull by the horns, sat down with Mindy and had a conversation to explain that it’s over and she needs to move on.  In a perfect world, this is how it should have played out but owning his shit, isn’t the ExH’s strong suit.

Looking back, I often wonder if Mindy regrets sending that email of if she feels even remotely foolish about it.

Anyway.

It took me quite a while, but eventually I connected the dots and figured out that the ExH had lied about his situation with Mindy.  Well maybe lie is a bit harsh, he wasn’t giving me the whole truth.   What I came to realize is, Mindy never received the *closure* she so needed in order to move on – you know, a Declaration of Hate.  I mean, we all want a Declaration of Hate when someone dumps us. Am I right?  Unfortunately, men don’t take the time to end things, not really.  To that end, instead of targeting her anger at the ExH for not giving her the closure she so desperately needed, Mindy channeled all her hostility and aggression towards me.  She acted like I stole the ExH from her when I had done nothing of the sort.   Mindy viewed me as the enemy rather than realizing A.) she needs to *own* the role she played (asking him to move out); and B.) It was the ExH who caused her pain because he refused to give her closure.  She also failed to realize that one who has caused her pain cannot cure her pain.

Eventually Mindy got over it and moved on, or has she?…

The fact is last year (2012), Mindy Google’d the ExH (in search of his telephone number), in order to contact him leads me to believe (as previously stated) that she still does not see the ExH for who he is: an Ex Boyfriend who is no longer in her life.  Truth be told, I have never had any desire to look up and make contact with any of my Ex boyfriends — never!  They are in my rear view for a reason, the past is the past, why resurrect it?

I often wonder why Mindy felt/feels the need to reach out to the Ex.  My guess is, she wants to show him how “great her life is” how she’s moved on and no longer thinks of him, when in fact, clearly she still does for otherwise she would not have Googled him.  Not long ago first publishing this post on July 2013, I ran into someone who told me that my Ex (the one I dated for five years before meeting the ExH) is married with kids and I absolutely could have cared less.  In fact, I believe my response was, “Oh, that’s nice.” Pffft! To that end, I have never felt any compulsion to look him up and make contact.

Know this: the entire time the ExH and I were dating, Mindy acted as though I was the reason she and the ExH broke up, as if I had *broken them up*.  The fact of the matter is I did nothing of the sort.  In this scenario, the ExH was the liar, deceiver and manipulator – he lied to me and Mindy as well as manipulated a situation so that he looked like the innocent party.  Furthermore, as far as I can tell, Mindy has never owned her shit in all of this. I mean, asking your boyfriend to move out in hopes he’ll pop the question and present you with a ring is a fools errand.

The ExH and I wed August 2002 and eventually Mindy backed off and faded into the ether (sort of), until…. Mindy took an opportunity to stir up some shit.

Allow me to give you the back story first:  One evening back in November 2005, (make note of this date) while my then husband was picking up a pizza at his favorite pizza joint, he ran into Mindy’s father, who just so happened to be on the phone in the parking lot, speaking with, you guessed it, his daughter Mindy. When Mindy’s father told her who was standing in front of him, she must have said, “hand the phone over to him” to which Mindy’s father did.  My then husband got on the phone and the first thing out of Mindy’s immature mouth is that I swore at and threatened [her] husband. [ should probably mention that Mindy ended up marrying Mickey, the dude my ExH suspect she was cheating on him with. But I digress…]

Imagine?

Confused, my ExH said, “I don’t know anything this.”

The truth of the matter is, back in December 2004, Mindy found my ExH’s business phone number (which was a new # not an existing # that she would have known) and left a VM message wishing him a Merry Christmas.

Why? I have no idea.

In her message she stated that *she* felt enough time had passed and that it was ok to call.  Really Mindy? You get to decide when it’s ok to make contact?

When the ExH played the message for me, I couldn’t understand, for the life of me, WHY Mindy felt the need to call and wish him a Merry Christmas. Who the hell was SHE to decide it was ok to call?!?!  After I heard that message, I took it upon myself to Google her husband to find his telephone number so as to call him. As luck would have it, I found his business telephone number. I called the number and left him a voice mail. In the message I told him about how his wife Mindy had left a VM for my husband. I explained that I could not understand why she called and would he please ask her to stop bothering my husband.

Swear at him?

Ah no.

Threaten him?

LOL! Um, no. Not even close.

Flash forward to November 2005 at the pizza joint.  The fact that Mindy felt compelled to tell my ExH almost a year later that I called her husband is very telling.

I called Mindy’s husband in December 2004. The ExH runs into Mindy’s father almost a year later (November 2005) and the first thing out of Mindy’s mouth is that?! Really??? Srsly???  Clearly,  Mindy was still festering about it. No doubt because her husband probably had no idea that she reached out to her Ex-boyfriend/my husband.

Imagine?

Almost and entire year transpired and she couldn’t wait to stir up trouble.

Immature much? Yah, me thinks so.

She no doubt fed her husband a pile of lies in order to try and cover her ass and save face, rather than just own it.

Looking back, Mindy and the whole scenario makes me laugh my ass off.  I should have run as fast as I could from this entire situation and these two liars as they are/were more alike than either realized.

But it’s ancient history dear readers, ancient history.

IMHO, I think Mindy and I should sit down and have a cup of coffee to hash out all this ancient history but that will never happen.  Suffice it to say, for the past however many years, Mindy and I have had between us, some invisible school yard battle, which was created by the ExH.  The lies he fed her. The lies he fed me – all the while he sat back and enjoyed the show.   I should probably mention that this is a classic trait of a Sociopath – at least this is what I have learned thus far.  At the time I first wrote this post (July 30, 2013) and have consequently edited,  I was reading: How to Spot A Dangerous Man and I gotta tell ya, I can see soooooooooooooooooo much of my Ex, in this book that sometimes I literally lose my breath reading passages on the train.  Know this: Sociopaths are deft at pulling the wool over their victim’s eyes – making their victim believe that THEY (the Sociopath) are the real victim.

I have no doubt that when Mindy learned of our divorce, she probably danced a little jig in her kitchen.  Which also makes me laugh.  She might be happy over the fact that the ExH and I are divorced but I wouldn’t want her life or the foundation her marriage is built on (read: lies) for all the money in the world.  No thanks. I’ll take divorced all day any day over her perceived “perfect life”.

***

The initial inspiration for this post (and I admit I’ve driven off course) is why do women always seem to attack the other woman?

When Brad Pitt started openly seeing Angelina Jolie, people (well women) began trashing Angelina, accusing her of being a “home wrecker” “a whore” and a whole host of other not so nice adjectives.  The tabloid press was having a field day with the news story and a Hollywood retail shop created Team Anniston and Team Jolie T-shirts. While all of this was happening, I couldn’t help but ask, “Where is Brad in all of this??????” Why is Angelina forced to wear the Scarlet Letter while Brad is given a get out of jail for free card?   Didn’t Brad play a role in the demise of his marriage?  Didn’t Brad cheat on Jen? Didn’t he basically start a new relationship before ending his marriage????  Did I fall down and smack my head on the pavement and miss something????????

So ladies, I ask you, what is going on here? Is this good ole fashioned Patriarchy at work? Is our culture still programmed to view the other woman as the home wrecker even when she may not be? None of us knows what Brad told Angelina – the man is clearly a narcissist, at least on some level.  He saw something. He wanted it and he went after it, meanwhile, discarding Jennifer for whatever reason(s) only he will ever know.  Personally,  I have always been of the school of thought that you cannot steal something that does not want to be stolen (assuming Angelina had in fact stolen Brad which I am not assuming at all).  IMHO, if Brad was truly happy and in love with Jen, there isn’t anything Angelina or any other woman could have done to pull him away.  More often than not, people cheat, leave (or both) because they are unhappy – even if that unhappiness lives in their own mind, and unfortunately the one who has been cheated on (and dumped) is left picking up the pieces, trying to understand why the perpetrator never gave them the courtesy of a heart-to-heart talk.  Had the ExH sat down with Mindy and said, “Is my moving out to mean we are breaking up?”  Or “If I move out, we are through and I am going to start dating.” (Assuming this is even the truth of how it happened.)   At the very least, Mindy would have had time to process what was happening.  Had the ExH been honest with me, I would be in a different head space right now. Instead, I had to find out the truth, post-divorce about his woman I affectionately refer to as, “Cunning B”. 

Why do people, women especially, feel the need to attack the other woman? Even now, with all I know about the ExH and “cunning B”, I have no desire to attack her.  She’s not my target, even if I dislike her for  what she wrote in that email to me.  The ExH is and will always be the target of my anger and hate. The ExH should be held accountable for his actions.  Lord only knows what bullshit the ExH fed Cunning B while he and I were still married – the lies and stories he probably fed her so as to ease his mind and justify his behavior.  I guess what I am trying to say is: don’t assume the other woman is 100% at fault as she may be going on the lies that were fed to her, e.g., I’m divorced. I’m separated, etc…none of which is the truth. I’m sure the ExH fed Cunning B a whole bucket full of lies… at least in the beginning…in the end, they both had a moral obligation to be honest with me and I certainly did NOT deserve her deception as clearly outlined in her email to me.

Now, before I close this post I would like to mention that I do not believe 100% blame belongs in the ExH’s lap.  I am a firm believer that even if 98% is the fault of the other person, 2% is still yours and you have to own it – to that end, I own what is mine.  I am not saying my marriage was perfect because it wasn’t. But I didn’t deserve to be lied to, deceived and/or cheated on because NO ONE deserves that.   I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.  The ExH and I took a vow. He could have at the very least been honest with me. Unfortunately, when you’re dealing with a pathological liar, honesty lives outside the realm of their world.  It is what it is.

Right?

***

This post was originally written: July 30, 2013 and edited on September 4, 2015  Why? I can’t say, other than I have some down time at work and my ExH and I have been clearing the air about many things that transpired during our time together, agreeing on the fact we handled many things very poorly, each owning what is ours.

 

19 thoughts on “The Other Woman(?)

  1. Your post is about triangulation. How narcs will pit one person against the other and then sit back and watch the fallout. In my story the narc told me that they had talked about divorce, that he would have left the wife a year ago but the son was only 1 year old and he needed time. The girlfriend that followed me was told that they were in the process of divorcing but that it was delicate because he needed the wife to sew some articles for his business. Girlfriend number 4 told he needed to produce a copy of the divorce filing. As anyone knows who has been involved with a narc it was all a crock of shit. There were no divorce filings. Girldfriend #4 was smart and dumped his narc butt. Sadly, the wife is living in a state of denial even after having been told about all of her husband’s girlfriends. I guess she is still buying into his lies. So yeah, when someone starts to talk about the psycho ex—RUN, Run really fast…just like girlfriend #4 did.

    • Sick, isn’t it the way Narcs wreak havoc in the lives of unsuspecting people?

      My Ex Narc portrayed himself as a God — a man any woman would be lucky to have. He acts like women should drop to their knees and worship him. He thinks because he has holds a door for a woman and/or pays for dinner that makes him a good guy. Sorry Narc, that just means you have good manners, not a good personality — huge difference. Mkay? If you don’t believe me, look it up in How to Spot a Dangerous Man — Sandra Brown writes extensively about this.

      For years, and I do mean years, the Narc’s Ex GF Mindy has had it in for me. I have never seen a woman so hell bent on seeking revenge. There is an old Buddhist saying (at least I think it’s Buddhist) that says, “When plotting revenge, dig two graves.” Mindy couldn’t see and still cannot see that the Narc is a piece of shit and she should thank her Higher Power that she never married him. The whole time he and I were together, well not the whole time but most of the time, she pursued the Narc all the while taking out her anger on me when she should have taken it out on him but she couldn’t because he had his sociopathic spell on her.

      I get where she’s coming from, I really do. I’m angry too, only I sought professional help, to cope with it. I also blog about what has happened as you can plainly see here. What I have not done and what I REFUSE to do is take my anger out on my Narc’s new woman. I also REFUSE to stalk him, call him, email him, send him letters or anything else that may FEED IS HUGE EGO!!!!!!!! Mindy fed his ego. By behaving like a complete jealous Ex GF, she fed his ego. Even now she feeds his ego by seeking him out after years of no contact. As it clearly states in most books about Sociopaths DO NOT BREAK THE NO CONTACT RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She broke the no contact rule and what did that do? It fed his ego. You should have seen the smug look on his face when he told me she contacted him. He even alluded to the fact that she cannot let go of him even after all these years.

      The only woman in my Narc’s life that knew to dump his nasty ass was a woman he dated before Mindy named Christine. Christine dumped him probably because she could see him for who he truly is — a narc. Would you believe that to this very day, he has never gotten over Christine and still hates her for dumping him. That’s right because Sociopaths do the dumping, they do not get dumped!

      I have no desire to see or speak to the Narc – none. In fact I hope and pray to my Higher Power that I never lay eyes on him again. The mere thought of him makes me sick. When I think about all the lies I swallowed and all the red flags I ignored I absolutely cringe.

      Well he’s Cunning B’s problem now, unless they are as my therapist says, “Two of a kind.

      • Very sick and you made two key points; 1- Mindy is still under his spell because she probably doesn’t realize that he is a narc. I was 18 years old the first time the narc discarded me–forst boyfriend, first lover I never got over him. Hence his ability to come back into my life 30 years later and play on those emotions because I never got closure and I never knew what he was. But I finally figured it out. I am guessing Mindy still hasn’t. Have you ever thought to email Mindy any information on NPD? As for the current gf–she may be a narc herself or just under his spell and has become his enabler–either way it will eventually end ugly for her or him depending on who narcs out first. I tried to warn the current wife that he was looking for a new source before I even found out about girlfriend #4, but that only made her support him even more–how paththetic is that. I found out from gf#4 that he told her he could have sex anytime he wanted with me–uhmm hello, no so not the case. I did have the pleasure of emailing his current wife that no I did not want him back–serioulsy what woman in her right mind wants a man with 2 ex-wives and 3 kids to pay child support to and to boot a mental disorder. He reads her emails so that was intended to get the message to him that I was so over him. They are just a bunch of sad pathetic people. I have pity for them all and the sham of a life they have which is so not my definition of a marriage or living happily ever ater………

      • I to almost have pity for them.

        In terms of my contacting Mindy: If I had her email, which I do not, she wouldn’t believe a word I said for exactly the reasons you state — she doesn’t know he’s a Narc. Until she figures this out on her own, anything I say or do will backfire.

        In this instance, I have to allow her and my Ex Narc’s new woman figure it out on their own — there is nothing I can do.

        🙂

  2. I have had dealings with quite a few like that. It does take 2 to tango, and it seems that there are plenty of women out there that want to be a victim. Just sayin…..

    • I’m not sure some women choose the victim role. I think what happens is, they are so traumatized by what happened to them, they they never get over it. We all manage/process experiences differently. The minute I figured out my Ex had be lying to me I immediately contacted my pal Paula, told her what was going on and then signed up for therapy. The last thing I want to do is carry this sh*t around with me for the rest of my life. F*ck that. Life is too short. I only learned of my Ex’s betrayal on April 29th — so for me it’s still raw. I’m not as angry as I was, but the anger is still there.

      Yes it’s true it does “take 2 to tango” but I have combed through the history of our relationship and I don’t see where I deserved to be lied to and deceived. I don’t think anyone deserves that, do they?

  3. Real life conversation with my daughter (12), probably very inappropriate but she is very mature and articulate, so throwing caution to the wind. “Baby, why do you think Daddy dislikes me so badly?” She tilts her head to one side and says “Mama, you are the only one who ever tells him NO.” This child has seen him through wife #2 and now future ex wife #3 and who knows what in between. I was stunned she made the observation, (she was 6 when we separated). She also said “And Mama you do not care what anyone thinks of you, or if Daddy likes you or not, only us. So I only have to assume these other women walk around kissing his butt? Must be why only my name has ever been tattoo’d on him? Creepy, just freaking creepy, he’s friends with all his other baby mothers and ex wives – just not me! I prefer to not be in THAT club. Another thing, I have always been polite and friendly to these women, and for whatever reason (lies he invented I am sure) they hate me! My conclusion, he still has sex with them, while I refuse to participate, (yes, the moron has the audacity to still hit on me, separated 2007, really). The mire thought makes me want to Lysol my body. GAG! It’s going to be 8 long years before my youngest is 18!!!

    • Ha-Ha! Lysol your body. LOL!

      Your daughter is a smart, perceptive girl. Have you read How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown? I’m about 3/4 of the way through the book and it is fascinating. The red flags we women choose to ignore.

      In regard to your Ex’s Ex-women (plural) — unlike you, they do not see him for what he is. They do not see him for the dangerous pathological man that he is. Part of that not seeing could be choice (turning a blind eye), or it could be they truly are unaware. Based on that book, a lot of women stay in a dysfunctional relationship with a dangerous man because they figure something is better than being alone. Well let me state for the record: I would rather be alone as I’m sure you would too.

      BTW, in the book Sandra outlines what she means by “a dangerous man” and she’s not talking about men who are physically violent. Dangerous men are men who destroy women mentally OR physically — it doesn’t have to be just physical danger. I also learned in the book that my Ex is a “combo pack man” meaning of the 8 types of dangerous men, he carries the characteristics of 2 of the 8 types — combo men are even more dangerous because they are pathological.

      Anyway, if and when I ever start dating again, my eyes are going to be wide open.

  4. Jut catching up on some of your posts and might I say, “Wow.” But this post struck me, because I think you’re on to something. As you may or may not know, I work in a high school and very often — all too often — when some sort of drama happens between a girl and her boyfriend (i.e.: he cheats), the girl will never be angry at the guy. Instead, she will aim her rage at the other girl. The guy, meanwhile, loves the fact that two girls are fighting over him because he is quite the prize. At the same time, the jilted girlfriend will say how she is done with the guy, but will play all sorts of games to maintain some sort of game-playing relationship. I just think as a society, we have done girls a huge disservice when it comes to self and their personal relationships. So many girls feel they aren’t complete unless they have a boyfriend — at all costs. Does wonders for self-esteem. Too bad adults can’t leave adolescent drama behind them when they get their diploma. That being said, I’m glad your venting and healing. Be strong!! The Narc has done you the greatest favor by getting out of your life. Although it hurts, you are so much better off.

    • Thanks Kevin. The hurt, betrayal and the fact that I was deceived are no longer at the forefront. The anger is still there, but not as strongly as it was before. I swear, writing that post “Letting it Go” and then “An email between…blah…blah…blah…” released me. It was like BLECH I just threw up all over everyone in the blogosphere and now I feel better. Crazy, right? I know, I can’t explain it. I have waxed on about what has happened during every therapy session and still didn’t feel as good as I felt after posting about it and reading everyone’s comments.

      What I am having trouble wrapping my brain around is why my Ex’s new woman hates me. As evidenced by her email response, she has it in for me. My question is, why? We have never met. I have no idea what she looks like and yet, she views me as the enemy. I don’t view her as the enemy. I don’t give a flying shit about her — it’s HIM I hate. It’s HIM I’d like to smash upside the head — not her. Same with my Ex’s GF before me, you know, “Mindy”. What’s her deal. He lies to her. He moves on without ever giving her the closure she needs and instead of hating him, she attacks ME! It’s so totally fucked up.

      Women need to put on their big girl pant and learn that it men will never complete them and our fellow sisters are not the enemy. Granted, there are exceptions, but I am nearly finished reading: How to Spot a Dangerous Man and for fuck sake, men LIE… they will tell a woman anything she wants to hear, just so she will submit to him. That in of itself is reason to not hate or fellow sisters. We don’t know the lies these men are telling.

      Women are crazy that’s fo sho! LOL! I love my fellow sisters but damn we are territorial like lions. I will say this, since my divorce I have not so much as been on one date. I have spent the last year + getting to know myself. I’m resurrecting myself. I’m getting to know me, or as I told Paula, I am on a journey back to self. The last thing I need right now is some guy to come along and fuck that all up. NO THANK YOU. Besides, when I need a dose of male company, I call on my GBFF. 😉 Who needs a man when you have a GBFF and at this stage of my life, sex is overrated. I’d rather have a really decadent vegan chocolate dessert.

      Love you!
      xo
      S

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